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Why Forgive? (What’s In It For Me?)

 


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After someone has “done you wrong” and profoundly hurt you, why should you forgive them?  Why should you spend all the time and effort letting it go?  And should you let it go?  And if you forgive them, what does this mean?  Does it mean you go back for more?

 

I have gotten these questions a lot from clients through the years and I believe I have some answers not only because of my own experiences (yes, I’ve had to forgive big-time!), but also because I’ve spent years studying what forgiveness does for you.  (Did you hear that?  What it does for you.)

Jerry, a client of mine, is a favorite example I have of how what opens up in your life when you to forgive someone else. In 2003, Jerry came to my office in Charlottesville, VA, to work through some challenges he was having at work.  As we worked together, a very traumatic story came out.

 

Fifteen years earlier, Jerry and his then-wife had triplets.  One day, when the babies were several months old, Jerry came home at lunch to surprise his wife.  He was the one surprised.  He discovered his wife in bed with his best friend.

 

No surprise here – they divorced.  Then his former wife married the former best friend.  Then she asked Jerry to allow the new step-dad to adopt the babies. “You can stay involved in their lives, but it will be better for them to be part of a whole family.” After much consideration, Jerry acquiesced.

Somewhere soon after Jerry signed the papers relinquishing his parental rights, they got into an argument and his former wife said, “Go away.  You have no rights here.”

 

Through the next 12 years, even though Jerry sent his children gifts at Christmas and on their birthday to stay in contact, he was not allowed to be a part of their lives.  He hadn’t seen his kids in all that time, and he had a whole lot of (very understandable) anger toward his former wife.

 

We began to work on the feelings he had about this experience, one by one, tapping through his feelings.  When we softened the anger a bit, I offered a statement to him, just to check in with how he was feeling. “I forgive her for taking my kids away from me.”

 

Nope. Not happenin’.

We then tried “I’m willing to consider forgiving her for taking my kids away from me.” There was much less resistance to this, and as we tapped through it, I could feel his anger really releasing.

 

We tried again. “I forgive her for taking my kids away from me.” This time, the resistance was gone and we were successful.

 

Then, we worked on forgiving his former best friend.  This took some time, as you can imagine.  As we walked all around his anger at this man, Jerry found places he could really begin to let it go.  And as he let it go, he forgave.

 

Last, we tackled his anger at himself for letting his children go.  As we released shifted it, his whole being softened, and he was at peace.

 

He had forgiven himself.

 

Several weeks later, he called me. “You won’t believe what happened!” he told me, breathless with excitement. “My daughter, Susanne, contacted me and she wants to meet!  We’re meeting next week for the first time!”

 

“You know how this happened, don’t you?” I asked him.

 

“How?” he said.

 

“You forgave.  You changed your energy.  You changed how you feel about what happened.  You raised your vibration to love and compassion instead of anger and blame.  And when you did, she responded.  She heard you.”

 

Susanne was 14 years old when she saw her daddy for the first time.  It was a tearful reinion.  That was 2003.

 

Since then, she and her two siblings all got re-connected with their dad.  Their mother also reconnected with him, and they had the first of many profound conversations.  When she welcomed Jerry back into their lives, he got to be his kids’ dad.  It was a dream he’d longed for for so many years.

Last December, I heard from Jerry.  Two of the triplets are living with him while going to college and he was sharing how challenging it was at times!  I laughed as I heard how they are living and loving one another as any normal family.

 

So… why forgive?  What’s in it for you?  You forgive because your life will show up in a whole new way when you do.  In a way you cannot even imagine right now.

 

You don’t know what’s possible when you let go of your anger and your blame.  You don’t know what’s available when you lighten your being.  You don’t know who’s waiting to meet you, to dance with you, to love you, to give to you, to share with you, to play with you, when you release that blocked energy.

 

You just don’t know. And you don’t know what you don’t know. And because the freedom and the love and the abundance and the opportunities and the joy are all in the realm of you-don’t-know-what-you-don’t-know, your job is to step out in faith and Let It Go.

 

Always.

By the way, Jerry still had to work through some issues – and we did, through the course of several months.  But his original anger and bitterness and deep shame never, ever returned.  (That’s the power of EFT, my friends.)

 

Your Action Steps:

 

1. Decide right here, right now, that you are willing to forgive.

 

2. Decide which steps you need to take to forgive, then take them. (I highly recommend the book “Radical Forgiveness,” by Colin Tipping.  This book will have you look at forgiveness in a whole new – and very beautiful – light.)  By the way, choosing to forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget.  It just means you’re going to let the past go so that you are free now.

 

3. Get help if you cannot figure out how to forgive. Get help.  Get help.  Get help.  (Did you get that? Get help. There are many good therapists who can help you, but I highly recommend you find a good EFT therapist. By doing so, you will be releasing the blocked energy in your body and it is the blocked energy that causes all of the anger, shame, guilt, fear, and other negative emotions.)

 

4. Watch and see how your life changes. It will change.  It will become unrecognizeable.  And that’s a very good thing.


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Do You Hear What I Hear?

 


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“Here are two twenty-fives,” Francisco said to me as we drove up to the toll booth.  “Is that what you need?”

 

“No, I need $2.50,” I said and I looked at the money in my hand.  “Oh, but you gave it to me.”

 

I handed the money to the lady in the toll booth, got my receipt, and drove off.

 

“Did you think you only gave me $2.25?” I asked him.

 

“No,” he replied.  “I gave you two twenty-fives.”

 

“No, you didn’t,” I said.  “You gave me $2.50.”

 

“Yes, I know,” he said. “I gave you two twenty-fives.”

 

“No. You. Didn’t!” I said, emphatically.  “You gave me $2.50!  And it was enough.  See?  We got through the toll booth!”

 

“Yes,” he said.  “I gave you two twenty-five pieces.”

 

Huh?  Now, in all fairness to me, I never heard the “s” on the end of his “twenty-fives.”  And … I’ve never heard quarters being referred to as a “twenty-five.”

 

We laughed when we realized we’d been saying the same thing.

 

Being married to someone for whom English is a second language can be interesting at times.  Communicating is fraught with possibly crazy-making (and sometimes delightfully funny) scenarios.   Like the time he told me I’d “washed his brain” (“brainwashed”). Or the time he said he was a “rullfuler.” HUH???  (I’ll tell you later what that one meant.)

 

There are many times when we are saying the same thing, but we aren’t getting it because we are so adamant that our view is the correct one.

 

Anybody relate to that?

 

I started to think about how this is such a great metaphor for not only communication in general, but for how we receive information from the Divine.

 

I can see the Divine telling me that it gave me the answer, but because I am thinking of a specific way in which I want my answer to look, I’m just not “getting” it.

 

For example, have you ever asked for something only to realize later that you got exactly what you asked for – just not the way you thought it “should be”?

 

 

When we first moved to Florida, I was very clear that I wanted a house with a pool.  It’s hot here and I love to swim.  Yet, we didn’t find a house we really liked that had a pool.

 

What we did find was a house that was on a lake.  And the moment I saw the back yard with that lake, I knew that this was the house I wanted to live in.  (I mean I could always put in a pool, but I can’t put in a lake!)

 

(Here’s a picture of Francisco feeding the ducks, the Ibis and (my favorites) the Woodstorks.)


 

 

A year and a half went by and I wistfully thought of the pool I wanted so much.  I wasn’t swimming, and I really missed it.

 

Then, one day, I decided to go to the community pool (about 3/10 mile from our house).  It doesn’t have lanes (it’s shaped rather like an elongated flower with rounded petals and a huge waterfall feature plunked in the middle), but it is large and I could swim.

 

What I discovered was this: in the winter I have the entire pool to myself.  Floridians don’t like to swim in the winter (and anything below 70 degrees is winter to them! lol), so I got to play in my very own huge pool.  And I don’t have to do maintenance on it, either!  And, in the summer, when I go early (7:30-10 am), I have the pool to myself.

 

Suddenly, I realized that I HAD gotten a house with a pool.  I just had to expand my vision of what “having a pool” looked like.

 

So, where are you limiting your own vision of what you have received from the Divine?  Where are you not seeing that you have already received the answer to your prayer?  Where are you not acknowledging the magnificence that already exists in your life?

 

Because it’s there, I promise.  You just have to hear or see it!

 

(By the way, for those of you still pondering the “rullfuler” question?  He says he’s a “rule follower.”)

 

Your Action Steps:

 

 

1.       Look into your life at what you have been asking from the Divine.

 

2.       Look to see how the Divine has already given you what you have been asking for.

 

a.       If it’s love, then look to see where you have love already expressed in your life.

b.       If it’s abundance, look to see how abundant you already are.  (By the way, this one is easy: imagine you are in another, much poorer country living your life there.  You’ll really get how abundant you truly are.)

c.       If it’s clarity about what to do next, notice how clear you are about what to do next in other areas of your life.  You’ll get that you have clarity.

d.      If it’s friendships, begin to count how many friends you have – online and off.  (You’ll be amazed at how many there are.)

e.      If it’s the ability to touch someone else’s life, notice how you are already doing this, just by being yourself.  Do not underestimate the power of a smile or a simple “Hi!”

 

3.       Write them down.  The more you notice, the clearer you are about your own ability to receive answers to your prayers, to co-create with the Divine that which you desire in your life.

 

When you get this?  Aaahhh, then you begin to understand your power, your strength, your love, your abilities, in a whole new way.


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Listening to Your Body 101

 


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Earlier this week, I was dragging around with very little energy.  This is pretty unusual for me because I am accustomed to getting up early and starting work immediately – and being able to work straight through the day (with a yummy break for swimming).    However, as you know, less than two weeks ago, I had major surgery.

Last week, I was still able to get the ezine written and out, my daily blogs written, and my email handled, as well as attend a meeting virtually.  I was able to get my own morning tea and oranges, and later in the week, I was able to feed my beloved birds and ducks two times a day.  I could shower and dress myself.  All good.

However, on Monday, some gremlin hit me.  I felt exhausted.  I decided I was going to push through it anyway.  Monday evening, I fixed a simple dinner for Francisco and me for the first time.  But afterward, I was done for.

By Tuesday, I was unable to do much.  I felt depressed, unable to focus, and certainly in no space to write my ezine or blogs.  By 1 pm, I surrendered to the exhaustion and slipped into bed.  Three hours later I awoke, still exhausted, still unable to focus, still depressed.

My inner conversation was raging at this point.  (This is what resistance looks like, by the way.)  “What the heck is wrong with me?”  “Why can’t I focus?”  “Why do I feel this way?”  “I don’t want to do anything, and I just took a long nap.  What’s going on?”  “Is this a side effect of the surgery?”

I couldn’t bear the idea of checking email.  Or writing anything.  Or fixing dinner (even though I was very hungry).  Or.  Or.  Or.

I prayed.  I asked for guidance.  I asked my guides and angels to clear my energy and help me regain balance.

And through praying, I surrendered to the experience.   I surrendered to the exhaustion.  I surrendered to the lack of focus.  I surrendered to the depression.

And I trusted.  I trusted that this would pass.  I trusted that I would be cared for.  I trusted that all would be well again.

I asked myself: what will make me feel better?  The answer: dinner. I was hungry.  Dinner would take care of that.

When my husband came home soon after, I had fixed a simple dinner of salad and couscous.  We sat down to eat, and I asked myself again, what will make me feel better?  The answer:  watch TV. So we did.  TV allowed me to let go, to digest dinner, to stop resisting the exhaustion.  It gave me a space to just be.  To laugh at some of the comedy, and to enjoy what I could.

Wednesday, I awoke feeling so much better.  I was able to focus.  I was able to feel joyful.  I was able to write!  I suspect I may have more of those other days in the future, and if so, I will surrender to them as best I can.  I am aware that these are indeed some of the side effects of the surgery I just had.  There are some things I can take to support my body in regaining balance, and as soon as I can go swimming again, that will be one of them!

Here’s the lesson in this – for all of us.

1.       As soon as you can, stop resisting what’s happening.  Surrender to it.  Allow it to be. Because it is in the allowing that you will be able to move through it much more quickly.  Nobody likes feeling bad – emotionally or physically.  Yet, it is a part of life as we evolve into higher consciousness.  We all have days.  Let them be, and look for the lessons in them.  Look for your opportunity to become more than you are.  Look for the compassion for yourself and you’ll find it.  Then that compassion will extend to others, as well.

2.       When you’re feeling bad, ask yourself, “What will make me feel better?” Then trust your answer.  Just do it if you can.  Your body and your higher self knows what you need to help regain balance and to heal – or to simply feel better.  Allow yourself to be guided by this inner wisdom.

3.       When you cannot figure out an answer for what’s going on, pray. Yeah, that’s it.  Pray.  Because by praying, you are declaring your intention of finding your answer. You are setting an intention of healing. And in setting your intention, you will find your answers.

So that’s it. Surrender. Ask yourself, “What will make me feel better?”  Trust.  Do it.  Pray.

Your Action Steps:

1.       Ask yourself, “What is my lesson in this?” Listen for the answer. Trust it.

2.       Ask yourself, “What will make me feel better?” Trust your answer.  Then do it.

3. Pray, and surrender to what is going on. You’ll find your way through. Trust it.

By the way, notice the theme above? Trust.  Trust.  Trust.


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3 Lessons I Learned Playing Miniature Golf

 


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Several years ago, I was attending a nephew’s wedding, and the day before the wedding, his younger brother suggested we go play miniature golf.  Unbeknownst to me, my brother, Steve, often played miniature golf with his family, while I had played it perhaps five times in the past 20 years.  So, we all went out to this beautiful course, and began to play.

Well, let me tell you, it wasn’t long before some old childhood competition began to arise in me. Steve is older than me and used to “cream” me at numerous games we played together.  (To this day, I won’t play Monopoly!)  :)

By the third hole, my score was waaaayyyy over what I would have liked it to be.  While Steve was playing quite nicely at this golf course, I was about 3 – 5 strokes over par each hole. AARRRGGHHH!!! While I knew it was just a game, I really didn’t like making a fool of myself.

After I finished hitting the ball all over the third hole, I remembered to tap.  Hmmm, now I had a dilemma.  As you know, tapping looks a bit strange, and I was not about to openly tap while standing there in the middle of the golf course!  Not happenin’!

So, I decided to tap on myself in my head. Since it wasn’t my turn, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, andimagined myself tapping on the points, while saying to myself all the feelings I was feeling:

Even though I’m feeling frustrated at how I’m playing, it’s ok … It’s just a game, and it’s just for fun…

Even though I really want to do better, and I haven’t been, I think I can, if I just relax a little bit…

Even though I’m feeling like a bit of a fool here, hitting the ball all over the place, it’s ok.  It’s just a game. It really will be fine, no matter what happens…

I continued on to tap in my imagination on whatever feelings I could come up with.

Then, it was my turn again.  Shockingly, I made par on that hole!  And then the next one!  And then the next one!  The next hole, I made a hole in one!  From that point on, I made either under par, par, or just barely over it.  (By the way, I didn’t tap again, either.)

At the very end of the game,I was the only one who hit the ball into the almost impossible shot(a hole in one! at the “19th hole”) to win a free game.  I proudly handed the coupon to Steve, and said “Yes!” in my heart!

YAY, tapping!

The lessons from this?

1.      Imaginary tapping works very well.  Remember,energy follows thought.Always.

2.      It doesn’t matter where you are, you can relieve your negative feelings gently and easily.

3.      Once you relieve those feelings, you are in a very different place of creation with the Universe.  You are able to create from a space of allowing, rather than resistance.

Your Take Action Steps:

1.      If you get into a situation where you are unable to tap (a meeting, at the dinner table with friends or family, whatever), just take a deep breath in and imagine tapping on yourself regardless of what your feelings are at that moment.  Just acknowledge them, and tap them away.  This is the key point here:recognize your negative feelings as they occur, and do something about them,rather than just allowing them to stay blocked inside.

2.      Notice how differently you feel after you tap.  Notice what things seem to “change” around you.  Notice how you are different.  Notice how others respond to you.  You will be astonished if you just pay attention.

Let me say one caveat about step 2 above.  Most of the time, we don’t pay attention to what happens after we tap.  And because we have moved into a new space of being, we then forget how we felt before, and how life was occurring for us before the tapping.  Sometimes the change is so subtle, we truly don’t recognize the difference.

However,if you will pay attention,you will notice the changes in both yourself and in the way you interact with the world.  And you will be astonished!  Promise!


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Create Happier Feelings in 3 Easy Peasy Steps

 


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Several years ago, my nephew, Kevin, paid me the greatest compliment. “Aunt Anne,” he said, “You’re the biggest kid I know!” Those of you who have been following me for some time know I’m a big believer in having fun and laughing as much as possible … no matter what.

 

Why is this?

 

Because being happy is one of the highest vibrations you can use to create the Divine life you so greatly desire. Really.

Happy Baby

 

When you’re happy, you’re smiling at the world. And the world smiles back. (And when it doesn’t, frankly, who cares? You’re feeling so good, it just doesn’t matter if someone ignores your smile.)

 

This means, then, that when you’re smiling at the world, you are creating from a very different vibrational place. You are creating from a place of awareness of your connection to the Divine, of your connection to others, and your connection to yourself.

 

By the way, as you look at the picture above, don’t you just want to smile? Doesn’t it make you feel good just looking at it? That’s how affected you are by what you see. That’s how powerful this little guy’s expression of pure joy is.

 

Ok, sometimes, frankly, the world don’t look so great. Sometimes, life pretty much stinks. It’s then that it’s hard to get up and smile, because you feel pretty fake doing it. Right? (Here’s a hint: do it anyway, to the best of your ability.)

 

So, how do you get from not-so-great to great, anyway? How do you get from upset and despair to joy?

 

Hmmm, well, that might just be too big a leap. How about getting from upset and despair to relief – or softness? To compassion – for yourself, and for someone else? How about getting from upset and despair to simply relaxing … and then leaving the joy for another time?

 

This is a process. This is how you do it. Heck, I don’t really know anyone who can go from upset and despair to joy in one fell swoop. Not really. (Maybe a kid, but even that’s pushing it.)

 

So, let’s talk about breaking it down into three easy steps, shall we?

 

Step 1- Look for a feeling of relief. Not a feeling of joy – again, that’s too much to ask of yourself. Just relief. What are you feeling right now? What will make you feel better? Can you do it? Are you willing to take the risk of giving yourself that gift?

 

If you cannot give yourself the gift of relief by doing what you really want to do (i.e., quit your job), then how can you feel better about what is happening right now so that you feel relief? Can you find a different way of looking at the situation so that you feel better … more powerful? Are you willing to?

 

Step 2- Give yourself what you CAN give yourself. This doesn’t mean go out an buy a designer outfit (if you’re into that), and, as a result, not spend the money on your mortgage. No, this means give yourself some sort of self-loving treat – a hot bath, an early night in bed, a new journal or book, a cup of tea, a great movie that lifts your spirits, a talk with a loved one, a swing on a swingset, a walk … something that will shift your energy and lift your spirits. Take care of yourself in a loving, sacred way.

 

Step 3 – Look for the good in the situation. If you dislike your job, maybe you really like your hours, or you like your pay, or you like your co-workers. Maybe you like your physical surroundings. Maybe you like the freedom you have, or the challenges you have doing your work. Write these down. Focus upon them as much as possible. Re-presence what you can celebrate and be happy about what you do have while you are going about creating what you really want.

 

Let me give you a lovely example of this: As you may know, my nephew, Kevin (the above-mentioned one) and his wife, Sheryl, are going through a very difficult time right now. Their 3-year old son, Conner, was diagnosed with leukemia in early January. He has been on chemo and undergone numerous operations, but is doing quite well. (YAY!) Last week, Kevin and several friends and Sheryl’s brother all got together to have a head-shaving party, so that they could all look like Conner.

 

So, while they are facing some frightening times, they are also creating some opportunities to celebrate and come together with love and support. No matter what you are facing, you can create something beautiful out of it. Just look for it. You’ll find it. I promise. (By the way, the picture of the happy little guy is Conner, two years ago.)

 

 

Your Action Steps:

 

1. Determine how you can find relief. Then do it. Just do it. Give yourself the gift of relief.

2. Write up a list of things you can do to give to yourself. Things that take care of you. Things that you feel better as a result of doing them. Then do one or more on that list. Keep it handy, because you will need it when you get the “crankies.” In those moments, we often forget how to feel better, and that we can feel better by gifting ourselves the gift of our loving self-care.

 

3. Write up a list of what you do like about the challenge you are facing. Focus upon this list – and only this list – to the best of your abilities. This may not be so easy, by the way, but do it anyway. Abraham (of Abraham-Hicks) says we are “sloppy thinkers.” This is a very good example of just how sloppily we think. The more you focus on what you like, the more what you don’t like disappears. More of what you don’t like doesn’t even show up in your experience! And that is a very good reason to practice this way of thinking, let me tell you!

 

4. Figure out a way to play today and Have Fun!


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